Jaki's Blog
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
IN case you wondered why I havent been posting..
I have been cleaning, plus Im moving away from Blogger cos it was driving me nuts!!
thats my new blog ;)

Sunday, November 02, 2003
I have just written 2,054 words for my NaNoWriMo project.. wooohoooo.. Im so cool *dancing round room* lol cepting of course tis midnight and I ought to be sleeping because we have church tomorrow ;) but I will be fine.

If you go to my website.. http://jakispage.vze.com then you will find my link to my story.. started today :) Please read it and comment!!

Friday, October 31, 2003

I went to clean the table.. and noticed my paints still out, then I saw a picture I was working on.. and the rest is a half hour side-trackedness. I want to work on that table.. it still isnt finished.. I came here to put away the paint I think.

The last few days I have spent time re-designing my site (http://jakispage.vze.com) and trying to get it working.. while its not perfect its not terrible either. I have some of my writings posted there (under writings>recent) some of them are pretty much heavy and in depth stuff. Some of it is fluff.. meaningless things I throw together beause I was sent a prompt. But they are there now :) For you to read.

Today I started by doing dishes etc, and honestly I dont know where the day has gone. I keep feeling cold but then figure that I ought to just do some work. Speaking of which.. oh yes Im putting away the paint ;)

Anyhow its 3pm and my beloved will be home just after 4pm. Im looking forward to that. It has been a stressful week around here, It is hard for me to fathom the whole money thing so bear with me while I sort thru it.. the derogative thoughts and comments when it comes to finances are not really my style but I wish.. you know? Im sure you have been here before.

The thing that really gets me.. about money, houses etc.. is that we were told that unless we were both working we wouldn't be able to get a house. Oh man. That wounds like nothing else. Because... well.. I want a home! Im so sick of living in rentals.. and stressing about rent inspections (due tuesday week) and everything... that I want a home. I know (well my heart knows..my head is a bit slow this week) that God will provide something somehow, and it will all work out. To understand this you have to know I cant work. Its a frustrating thing. I struggle to do housework. But you would meet me and not know this.. most people seem to think Im just a lazy person and "choose" not to work, Id work tomorrow if I could. Darn it. I just dont want to deal with this right now.. deal with having to go the job hunt route again. (for hubby) Thats the real head stuff, and its rather frustrating.. like being pulled 10 different directions, because in the midst of it all I am trying to trust God. To believe He has something better. What does this road hold? i just cant see it.

So money.. tis not my fav topic right now. We are not exactly rich even while my darling is working.. we arent poor.. but we are not coping as well as Id hoped. Rent is the big eater of our money. If only.. drats.. living with if-only's again.

Ive gotta remember to put away the paint...

- posted by Jaki @ 3:13 PM
I wanted to update my blog.. make it more.. me rather than the standard template from Blogger.. well so far so good ;) Im not the worlds greatest with coding..
Anyhow.. this is me..

I have read a few blogs lately.. that are about Church stuff.. church growth, the hows and whys of the process... I havent thought thru any of this since high school. I have some pet topics though ;) and I guess I get to air them sometimes. Staying on course is one of them.. discipleship.. mentoring and raising up Christians to live a life of faith. For myself, it means making sure I live my life to the best of my ability but never hide the mistakes because they are part of the journey.. part of the trip. God is in control ultimately. Anyhow.. if we dont show who we truly are.. we arent really discipling.. :)
- posted by Jaki @ 12:56 PM
Thursday, October 30, 2003

This is our Church website :) Please tell me what you think of it.. I am the webmaster.
I dont really see myself as a web designer, funny how God guides and uses talents in times and seasons :) I want more than anything to serve Him no matter how hard it gets.
Which brings me to reality...

Reality is.. my hubby is out of a job in Jan, thats reality, I could say nice or nasty things about his employer but we still cant change the reality, and so there is no point. I know that my dearest is able to find another job, but in the meantime... I am struggling. Why? Because somehow my brain panics when it thinks money. God says He provides. Its a test of faith. i need to keep walking in order to get there, but I just want to pack it in and sit on the rocks by the side of the road...
I already feel strange that it has come to this.. we have been told that we are not able to get a house even now on the current income.. and gov housing is no help either, because I won't lie.. and therefore we dont qualify for a house. I cant go back down to the city.. it would drive me mad! Besides our Church is here.. well.. its all moot really until Jan dawns and nothing is planned.
A lesson in trust?

Here I am, 24 years old, having been through a fair bit, struggling with something so basic. I can hardly grasp what it is to not stress.... *sigh* but you know, I recognise it for what it is, so that means I keep walking, reshuffle the baggage a bit ;) but keep walkind.
For anyone who doesnt know me ;) Im a writer.. here is something from my site:

This walk we take as Christians
is indeed a journey
It is not an easy road
it is a road frought with danger...
tears... and sorrow..
as well as with joys, hope and future

it has been so long between the bad.. that I was forgetting what I had.. maybe. We drove past our old flat.. it hasnt changed.. it is stil the same dingy little place with lattice fencing that it ever was. I'd be insane if I ever agreed that we should go back there. I can only pray.

Home is one of those things with me.. what kind of place makes a home anyhow?
Why is it that there is a whole generation of people my age and older (I'm 24 remember, hubby is 30) who are longing, really deep set longing, for home? What have we done to provide such a space for them in Church?? (where are these questions coming from?!) How important it is to be part of community..
REALLY part of a community, not just turning up when you have to do something but getting in there, walking alongside others in good and bad.. and not thinking any less of them.. and *gulp* the hardest of all... allowing them to walk alongside of you when you are at a low point.

- posted by Jaki @ 12:46 PM
Amazon.com: Books: In His Steps
If you dont know this book, then I challenge you to read it. Ive been reading blogs on church and church missions, they are all facinating stuff, and its so easy to think intellectual thoughts on the topic. Then I remembered reading this book when I was 15 and how much it changed my life.
(My grandmother ran a small Christian bookshop in my little country town when I was a teenager, and I got through a LOT of books that way but some stay with you like this one..)
If you have heard of the "WWJD" stuff, which has been over-comercialised.. then get back to the source really because that is what this book is!! The original idea came from Charles M. Sheldon, what would happen if we acted the way Jesus told us to? How much would that change.
It starts out with a guy off the streets coming into a church... anyhow.. read it! Its good stuff.

Im cleaning today, but hopefully will get another chance to post some thoughts.. have some serious amounts of housework to do because we have a rental inspection soon.

- posted by Jaki @ 8:36 AM
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
When Its all said and done...(contd.)
At 16 yrs of age I decided Ito go live with my dad and stepmother for a period of time, on what I thought were my own terms, which I know now as a huge mistake of judgement on my part.
My grandmother died, and everything hit the wall, right in the middle of my year 11 exams. I was a wreck - emotionally and stress levels thru the roof. I needed to be Christian.. more than anything. I went to prayer meetings when I could before classes at school... but when my Grandma died I fell apart. See, I loved her and my grandpa - they played a huge part in my being alive and Christian. My Grandma left me this poem:
May you always walk with Jesus,
As you step along life's way,
And His angels too will be there,
To help you day by day.

Thats the kind of person she was. She fought to the very end - she died of cancer in 1995. I miss her still.
Anyhow.. it was her death that hit the hardest and made me want to perservere with God, to walk where I saw Him calling me to.
High school was not easy for me, though I managed to muddle thru the remaining years of school with reasonable grades, and a few friends. I graduated in 1996 from Kingsway Christian College The year I graduated, I had undergone tests for epilepsy, because I kept blanking out in class, one of the many symptoms of my illness I now know but at the time it pushed me to the edge.
Destined for.. who knows where. I had applied to study acting... with no real idea of making it there, but who knew, I figured God had something planned... but just in case went ahead with my life.
God DID have something in mind, in the same envelope as the rejection letter (which I never read at the time, rather a few years ago I found it and was almost stunned to read it!) was a note sugesting I study Youth min, I have a heart you see for the wounded, having come from where I come from. Well I changed my direction and off I went. 17yrs old, flying over 2000 km from my home and all I had ever known. God took me away to do the heart surgery he needed to do to get me through life. And there I was in Sydney..
I changed to a degree after 2 years, because I wanted to keep going, I didnt know enough, nothing satisfy's the hunger.. its like that first mouthful of chocolate that you have that makes you want more!Never satisfied.. always wanting more, hungry and chasing after God.
Sydney was a life changing experience.. a number of things happened. I lost my mask. I found out really, people like you for you.. you dont have to hide. I also learnt that respect is a gift.. something alot of people dont normally see.. also that if you like something.. say so.. and be generous with compliments, and use only a little of insult :) Actually no insult!!! I learnt that no matter where you are from God is the same, He works the same. He is the one with the wisdom. I learnt that I have a gift of ministering to people, to disciple and mentor. I finished up my BTh. with a double major in Biblical studies (I found my Niche!) and in Pastoral ministry, with a minor in Theology. then God told me, to go home.
Home meant facing my demons.. facing the reality of being alone.. and an uncertain future.
I returned to the church I had left 3 years before, but didnt fit in, I didnt make friends there, they still saw me as the scared and slightly obsessive child that was there before. Still I stayed.
Friends left the place, and held a going away party. At that party I met someone new who just happened to be there on a day when I was truly trying to figure out what God wanted me to do .. he said to me "Serve God with what you have, where you are." At the time, what I had was the internet and a computer. My ability to work was slowly getting worse.
I was not really sure what God had in mind. I was desparately lonely. I chatted a lot on the net, ran a Christian chat room with some other people, ministery really because the lonely and lost find computers easier. I didnt intend to meet anyone there. In fact. I specifically asked God NOT to let me meet anyone. May 29th 2000, a guy came into the Chat room declaring he was a new Christian. I was excited, and I felt God nudge me and say "watch this space". I did.. I just thought that God had a huge plan for this guy.. nothing else. Several months later, in July, we were talking alot. By the end of July we had figured out we were meant to be together... and he had booked tickets to come to Perth.
Right up until about this time, I had struggled desparately with sucidal thoughts and just crying all the time. the last week of July in 2000, I caught a cold. Nice simple thing really. However, it turned into influenza and I couldnt eat or drink anything.. and I was dehydrated, the problems got worse when I just couldnt breathe. I called my uncle. Then Trev (who was in Melbourne) and tried to function as best I could. My Uncle came and took me to the emergency room of the hospital. They gave me a shot, stuck me on a drip and oxygen, and then xrayed my chest etc, it would have terrified me if I could have felt terrified.. by the time we got to the hospital I couldnt walk.. I nearly collapsed. I think this is the closest I had ever come to dying.. and I dont want to go there anymore. God cured me. I wanted to live.. and live properly... not pining for a future or regretting the past.
My mum arrived at my door unexpectedly the next day, I had to not tell her about Trev at that point. I knew she would flip just a little.
August 5th 2000, Trev arrived from Melborne on a bus, having travelled 3 days to come here. That night, I went for a drive to Kings Park.. which is just stunning at night.. and Trev proposed.. the rest, as they say is history. We got married 51/2 mths later. God sent me a prince charming. What a gift my husband is.. my carer, gallant knight.. etc.. all the gushy stuff that husbands are meant to be. God used Trev to protect me from my family in some regards, to help me sort through my past, and to help me be in a better space. I found i belonged with Trev. Nothing changes that we still belong :) !!
Now I sit here, its just about 1am.. I am 24 years old, turning 25 next Feb, feeling young and old at the same time, its been an amazingly long road, Ive had some great experiences, been through some nasty things, and so forth. But it remains..

what I do, how I live if I dont do it and live it for HIM I am wasting my time..

For now I am serving where I am: Brighton Anglican Church, doing what I can for the place, God sent us here. I do webdesign for the church too, and other things, but I know there is another step around the corner, and as much as it terrifies me, I am kind of excited where we will be. I pray that God leads us... I cant see what Feb holds for us next year.. the uncertainty is a killer.. my birthday in Feb on some level my heart is crying about how unfair it is that changes and moving ALWAYS happens around my birthday.. lol.. but God has this one.. I just need to remember that!

And thats it.. that is my testimony..

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

When Its all said and done...

The song says it all "When it's all been said and done, there is just one thing that matters. Did I do my best to live for truth , will it stand the test of time..?" Im not sure if they are the right words but thats pretty close I think.

It makes me stop and wonder,what it is that draws me on, to make me hunger for more, to want to know Him.

I was very young when I first met Him, sometimes the memory is dim and distant and sometimes it is vivid and real, the reality of that night has nerver left.

My aunt told me about Him. He was someone who cared, someone that wanted to take care of me. But it took me a while to really grasp the truth.

Jesus loves me.

The creator of the universe, the one who put the stars into place.

loves me.

Even though most people think that is a huge realisation for a 9 year old, that was me.
The past, before I met Him lies enshrouded in darkness, like a craggy rock cave, it still hurts but things are not clear in my memory. Out of the darkness into the light I stumbled, weary and scared. My weaknesses the only thing I knew.

The years passed and He cared for me through the godly love of Grandparents who faithfully took my to church and prayed for my life. Who took the time to teach me, play and let me be a kid.
I grew into a skittish lonely teenager, lonliness was something I knew well. I never connected with people, I hid myself in my fantasy novels, in places where the downtrodden won the battle and that were as far removed from my life as possible. I buried my hurt, and didnt allow anyone in.
At 14 yrs old, I came face to face with Him again. By this time I had been diagnosed with a chronic illness and struggled my way through school in pain and depression. I was not gifted with people - I hid all the more as it became harder and harder to "fit in" because of my illness.. it stuck me further on the outside, where I already felt I was slipping into the darkness.
I tried to rebel against being me, I tried to rebel against being a Christian and "good" all the time. But it didnt work. What is it that Ecclesastes says? Everything is futile..

It happened by chance that my mum was invited to a Christian conference, and it was three days in which Jesus reached His hand out to me, and into the darkness and drew me back into the light. That conference was when I gave my life to Him. I was baptised in a swimming pool nearby. My life's direction took a shift and became cemented as the road God set me on became the only one for me.
Sometime later that year, I had a dream of an open book, a Bible, very clearly open to Mark 16:15-18, a hand hilighting the passage. I dont know what you think but to me it was important. My mum said to write it down. So I did. From then on, I felt a calling to share my faith, to really live it. Which in a secular, country High School was a challenge.
The only choice I made was that I walk the road He set me on, there is no turning back from here, not for me.
God, the creator of all things has changed my life.
I still hid, but not as much, I still cried but not as often... His work was started.

More tomorrow I think..
Monday, October 27, 2003

I sit, cramped with pain my hands lie almost uselessly on the keyboard in front of me. I cant think through what I want to say, what it is I want to write, the pain seeps into my thoughts, and the ideas become clouded and faded. The frustration and anger at myself oozes into the tears that slowly make their way down my face. This isn't my every day, some days I am fine, but today my pain is overwhelming me… I can't think like this. I find myself, as most of us do, crying out to God.
"Lord, why can't you take away this pain?"
My heart aches, wondering what it is like to be normal. My hands seem often to be my only escape from the pain and anger I have, but here they were, cramped, tired and useless. Just like the rest of me at times…

My mind shifts to the cross. Full attention is held by the long, thick nails that are hammered through His wrist, into the old wood of the cross. There are soldiers, rugged men who had stood many times in the same spot, crucifying criminals, making sure that they suffered the punishment that was due because of their crimes.

Was He different?
His hands had shaped wood into functional pieces, toys for children, tables, chairs and the like. His hands had healed, helped and held the hurting and wounded of heart. His hands lay there, taking the punishment due my sins. Taking what I deserved.

I stare down at my hands. Reminding myself that the pain subsides and I will continue on. Yet, instead of mourning a loss - there is a moment where briefly I can see just what he did for me, get a grasp on this angle more than some would understand. In those moments, I catch just a shadow of the pain that went through His hands. In those moments my heart is able to deal with the truth of living with a chronic illness, and in those moments… it fades into a blessing and not a curse.

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